Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
