Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
