This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Randomize
