I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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