he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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