yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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