i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
i think my cat just said my name.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I use my feet as sexual weapons
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
