listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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