just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
