He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
