Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize