You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I hope mine doesn't look like that
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
