Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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