connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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