apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize