My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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