that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
