My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Your cock deserves a montage
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
