It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
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