the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
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