So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
