proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
