Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
i need some magic done to my vagina
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