I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
