Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
