I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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