I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
