i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I wish you could order shots online.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
