How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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