I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
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