God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
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