My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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