The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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