a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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