Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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