He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Randomize