dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
