I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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