So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Randomize
