He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
