i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
