there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
