Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
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