Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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