i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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