dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
