need another drink. this is the easiest way
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
