Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
