He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize