I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
