So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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