Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
