I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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