Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
