The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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