Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
my liver is dry heaving
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
