it was like eating out sand paper
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
