What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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