she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
