meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
