Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
