she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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