I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
