U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
