That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
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