The maid of honor just puked.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
